Sibling Rivalry

OOOOO! I hate passionately loathe the type of rivalry that has existed between my older brother and I since highschool. I understand how it started but the mentality behind it is stupid. I don't get along with my mom, almost at all. My brother doesn't get along with my dad very well but they at least have more in common and get along better than my mom and I. Yet, for some reason, he feels the need to compete to gain more attention. To prove he's the better of the two of us. Then he got married and sucked his new wife into all of it. 

For some reason, I was expected (by them) to be elated at the news of their pregnancy despite her publicly announcing that the news of my pregnancy (which happened before she became pregnant) was "the worst news she ever could have received." Why? Because mine was first? Because Luke and I got married almost 3 full years earlier and had been trying for a baby for a full 2 years only to be met with losses and struggles and they'd been married 3 months and hadn't gotten pregnant first? So, when having the first grandbaby didn't happen, I was supposed to be jealous because, though mine was first, theirs was the first grandSON. Is a baby not a blessing if it isn't a boy? After all the years and all the heartache it took to get my precious daughter, how could I ever be upset that she isn't a he? My healthy baby girl is the best thing that has ever happened to us. Once they realized that the news that K is a she and L is a he didn't upset me, then in started the wedding competition. There's will be "just like mine was only at a fancier place with fancier food. It's going to be huge." I don't understand why that would bother me. My wedding was already bigger and fancier than I ever wanted it to be. The wedding plans I had hoped for included a simple white dress, hay bales covered in cloth for seats, located in the gorgeous green alfalfa pasture with a reception lit by paper lanterns and the stars. I wanted 50 guests, 75 at most. I wanted my intimate day to be shared only with our closest friends and family. The wedding I had was in a huge (gorgeous, but huge), fancy church with a big, poofy dress and a reception in a glass room with a patio covered in white tents filled with 150 guests. When that didn't work, the pregnancy competition picked up. Who was going to get more attention? Do I really care? That became so obvious, I began getting emails from family and family friends informing me they were purposely not paying attention to her because she was obviously trying to "steal the spotlight." It was comforting to know people cared that much about my feelings but it was entirely unnecessary. I don't feel the need to compete with my brother, his wife or his baby. I have a happy life, I have love and I have my miracle. I have what I need and I have so much of what I want. K came late but I took her home on my birthday. She couldn't have come at a more perfect time. I brought my miracle home on my birthday. The day after K came home, the SIL ended up in the hospital with phantom contractions and posted it all over facebook. I call them "phantom" because though she claimed to be having contractions, the contraction monitor couldn't find them. How odd? It must have been a medical equipment malfunction, obviously. Now, it's the milestone competition. I don't understand that about mothers. It's one thing to be proud of your child, it's another to try to use your child's milestones/accomplishments to try to hurt another mom. If we're going to play that game, let's set the record straight, K rolled from belly to back for the first time at 4 weeks, almost to the day. He was 5+ weeks. K rolled entirely on her own. L needed to be positioned on his side with his arm tucked under his side and in front of his chest so it was out of his way so he could roll. K propped herself up on her elbows and pushed off with her right arm and her right leg to roll herself over her left arm and onto her back. 


I am so entirely over this competition. My Dad always advised that I ignore it completely and act like I don't notice but the more I ignore, the more intense they become in their attempts to show me how much better they are. To make matters worse, it's being exacerbated by my MOTHER. That's right, my mom is encouraging it with comments like, "Debi was always Dad's favorite" and "Debi can't do anything wrong according to Ron (dad)" and "Ron is always praising Debi and putting everyone else down." She seems to have forgotten already how Dad has lectured me time and time again for my temper, my mouth, my inability to just let things slide. She's right, Dad is proud of me. Dad is also proud of Dan but the other two siblings don't feel threatened by Dan. I'm not really sure why, he and I have a lot in common, the only difference being that he struggles with weight management. Neither of us have ever needed to be bailed out, we both always managed to get our work done on time and get it done well, neither of us party hard or drink (though I have struggled with both of those, mainly the drinking, and Dad did lecture me regularly at that time, mind you), neither of us have ever needed a loan or been in debt. We don't always make the best decisions (i.e. when I bought my 2007 Cobalt in 2007... I got lectured then, too) but we do our best to learn from our mistakes though it may take years, especially for me, to overcome my pigheadedness and admit I was wrong (i.e. when I bought my 2007 Cobalt in 2007 and wouldn't admit it was a dumb decision until 2010). Why is there a need for competition? Do the work instead! I'm sure he'll feel better about a job well done and a life well lived than he would about trying to prove his superiority through words. For me, personally, despite my setbacks, mistakes and shortcomings, God has made a pretty amazing picture out of the mess of my life, so far. Isn't that of more worth than words?


"My grandfather once told me that there were two kinds of people: those who do the work and those who take the credit. He told me to try to be in the first group; there was much less competition." Indira Gandhi


So what do you do when there is an extreme form of sibling rivalry? This isn't the normal rivalry. This is ridiculous. I can "influence" my brother's decisions. He will do anything to show me up. It helps in some cases (like when he was going to separate from the military and try to move back into my parents' house so I claimed to be planning to re-enlist just so he'd re-enlist and do something worth his time) but for the most part, it's really frustrating. Even more so now that my child is being pulled into it. I don't want the rivalry to be forced between them. I don't want her to ever feel bad because her Aunt and Uncle make sure to let her know L did it first or L did it better. How do you handle it when your parent, of all people, is egging it on? Is it time for a confrontation or do I keep ignoring it?

Life Boat #14

It's a New Year and a chance for new beginnings. It's the closing of 2011 and the opening of 2012. Last year was the first year I'd ever made a New Year Resolution. It was kind of a big one so I made it to myself only, unlike following the masses and telling everyone. Last year, I resolved to try to start a family again. Last year, I was among the few who were successful. Even if I hadn't given birth to the most darling little girl the earth has ever seen, I still would have been successful because I used the word try. This year, I am going to try to do something different, something better, with my life. This year, my resolution is influence, inspired even, by history (as well as today's church sermon which is where I was reminded of this bit of history).

Titanic lifeboat #14 was the only lifeboat to return to the mass of drowning Titanic passengers to make the attempt to rescue any of them from the frigid, northern Atlantic water. The passengers of lifeboat #14 ran the risk of being capsized by the hundreds of people who were panicking, freezing and dying. The passengers of lifeboat #14 decided that the lives of those in the water were more important than their risk of joining them in the water. To the people they rescued, the passengers of lifeboat #14 were heroes.

This year, I resolve to try to be a lifeboat #14, in every way. I will try to always remember to act on the God-given opportunities to minister to another person. I will try to always remember to carry a little extra change in case I come across someone in need. I will try to remember to give cheerfully to those I can give and to help cheerfully those who are in need, no matter how small. I will try to remember to always pay it forward. If someone treats me with an act of kindness, I will try to use that act as a reminder to treat others in return.