For some reason, I was expected (by them) to be elated at the news of their pregnancy despite her publicly announcing that the news of my pregnancy (which happened before she became pregnant) was "the worst news she ever could have received." Why? Because mine was first? Because Luke and I got married almost 3 full years earlier and had been trying for a baby for a full 2 years only to be met with losses and struggles and they'd been married 3 months and hadn't gotten pregnant first? So, when having the first grandbaby didn't happen, I was supposed to be jealous because, though mine was first, theirs was the first grandSON. Is a baby not a blessing if it isn't a boy? After all the years and all the heartache it took to get my precious daughter, how could I ever be upset that she isn't a he? My healthy baby girl is the best thing that has ever happened to us. Once they realized that the news that K is a she and L is a he didn't upset me, then in started the wedding competition. There's will be "just like mine was only at a fancier place with fancier food. It's going to be huge." I don't understand why that would bother me. My wedding was already bigger and fancier than I ever wanted it to be. The wedding plans I had hoped for included a simple white dress, hay bales covered in cloth for seats, located in the gorgeous green alfalfa pasture with a reception lit by paper lanterns and the stars. I wanted 50 guests, 75 at most. I wanted my intimate day to be shared only with our closest friends and family. The wedding I had was in a huge (gorgeous, but huge), fancy church with a big, poofy dress and a reception in a glass room with a patio covered in white tents filled with 150 guests. When that didn't work, the pregnancy competition picked up. Who was going to get more attention? Do I really care? That became so obvious, I began getting emails from family and family friends informing me they were purposely not paying attention to her because she was obviously trying to "steal the spotlight." It was comforting to know people cared that much about my feelings but it was entirely unnecessary. I don't feel the need to compete with my brother, his wife or his baby. I have a happy life, I have love and I have my miracle. I have what I need and I have so much of what I want. K came late but I took her home on my birthday. She couldn't have come at a more perfect time. I brought my miracle home on my birthday. The day after K came home, the SIL ended up in the hospital with phantom contractions and posted it all over facebook. I call them "phantom" because though she claimed to be having contractions, the contraction monitor couldn't find them. How odd? It must have been a medical equipment malfunction, obviously. Now, it's the milestone competition. I don't understand that about mothers. It's one thing to be proud of your child, it's another to try to use your child's milestones/accomplishments to try to hurt another mom. If we're going to play that game, let's set the record straight, K rolled from belly to back for the first time at 4 weeks, almost to the day. He was 5+ weeks. K rolled entirely on her own. L needed to be positioned on his side with his arm tucked under his side and in front of his chest so it was out of his way so he could roll. K propped herself up on her elbows and pushed off with her right arm and her right leg to roll herself over her left arm and onto her back.
I am so entirely over this competition. My Dad always advised that I ignore it completely and act like I don't notice but the more I ignore, the more intense they become in their attempts to show me how much better they are. To make matters worse, it's being exacerbated by my MOTHER. That's right, my mom is encouraging it with comments like, "Debi was always Dad's favorite" and "Debi can't do anything wrong according to Ron (dad)" and "Ron is always praising Debi and putting everyone else down." She seems to have forgotten already how Dad has lectured me time and time again for my temper, my mouth, my inability to just let things slide. She's right, Dad is proud of me. Dad is also proud of Dan but the other two siblings don't feel threatened by Dan. I'm not really sure why, he and I have a lot in common, the only difference being that he struggles with weight management. Neither of us have ever needed to be bailed out, we both always managed to get our work done on time and get it done well, neither of us party hard or drink (though I have struggled with both of those, mainly the drinking, and Dad did lecture me regularly at that time, mind you), neither of us have ever needed a loan or been in debt. We don't always make the best decisions (i.e. when I bought my 2007 Cobalt in 2007... I got lectured then, too) but we do our best to learn from our mistakes though it may take years, especially for me, to overcome my pigheadedness and admit I was wrong (i.e. when I bought my 2007 Cobalt in 2007 and wouldn't admit it was a dumb decision until 2010). Why is there a need for competition? Do the work instead! I'm sure he'll feel better about a job well done and a life well lived than he would about trying to prove his superiority through words. For me, personally, despite my setbacks, mistakes and shortcomings, God has made a pretty amazing picture out of the mess of my life, so far. Isn't that of more worth than words?
"My grandfather once told me that there were two kinds of people: those who do the work and those who take the credit. He told me to try to be in the first group; there was much less competition." Indira Gandhi
So what do you do when there is an extreme form of sibling rivalry? This isn't the normal rivalry. This is ridiculous. I can "influence" my brother's decisions. He will do anything to show me up. It helps in some cases (like when he was going to separate from the military and try to move back into my parents' house so I claimed to be planning to re-enlist just so he'd re-enlist and do something worth his time) but for the most part, it's really frustrating. Even more so now that my child is being pulled into it. I don't want the rivalry to be forced between them. I don't want her to ever feel bad because her Aunt and Uncle make sure to let her know L did it first or L did it better. How do you handle it when your parent, of all people, is egging it on? Is it time for a confrontation or do I keep ignoring it?
If it was ME, personally, I would keep ignoring it. I went through the same sibling rivalry... Well, more like, every single time I did something, SIL would copy it a day (give or take) later. We got a new kitty from PetSmart, they "saved" a poor little puppy from the shelter a week later. Zach got promoted to E-3, her husband magically got a huge award and recognition in his office/work. Etc. We finally told them we were trying for a baby, wallah, they were pregnant not 2 months later. Gotta have that first grandkid. AND, now, we *finally* got pregnant after 3 YEARS of trying and losses, we FINALLY get our very first ultrasound and were announcing our pregnancy - I post my ultrasound photo and announcement on FB, and not 20 minutes later, she posts 3D ultrasound photos of her 33-week baby (obviously, those are more cool than my little blob). :/
ReplyDeleteNot that things are peachy keen between SIL and I anymore (so ignoring may not be a *solution* to the problem), but, like you and your dad, my dad and I are *very* close. I take to heart what he says, because he is a very wise man. And my very wise man/father once told me that - just because you share blood, doesn't mean you have to be "buddy-buddy" or have a relationship. He also told me that the only people who try to compete with you, outshine you, etc are (obviously) insecure and constantly jealous, and that we should pity them if anything. What kind of a life is that to always feel jealous of another person? Really? YOU see that. I see that. SIL and brother obviously do not.
It's a hard situation... But I would keep on keeping on, if you can. Keep ignoring it (until or unless it hits home - i.e., flat-out publically stating you're a sucky parent, badmouthing Katie, etc), pray for them, know that you're the better person and YOU have something THEY are jealous of (ALWAYS always always jealous of). You're better than they are. ;)
*hugs* ~Heidi :)
That's what my Dad said. I vented to him and told him the first time either of them make Katie feel bad for something that L did first or L did better, they'll both lose their front teeth. He told me when that time comes if that's how I feel I need to handle it, handle it then but to stop stressing now and just let it slide. If it gets that bad later, cut off contact until they can behave. It made me feel better. (He also commented that she cheated on L's roll by positioning him ready to roll and it was NOTHING like K's first roll and told me to take satisfaction that she feels so threatened by my awesomeness that she has to behave that way. It made me smile)
ReplyDeleteYour dad is one smart man!! You should listen to him ;)
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