NEWS FLASH
If you are desperate and wanting to get married, oh, say, 5 days ago, you probably aren't going to find sexy prince(ss) charming to come sweeping in and rescue you from your lonesome life. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with wanting to be married and settled down but you can't be desperate and super picky, either. Beggars can't be choosers.
Ladies:
You can't go around acting like a Grade A Certified Hoochie and complain when guys want nothing but the horizontal polka (to use Steve Urkle's famous phrase. C'mon now, you know you loved Family Matters when you were a kid). Slip back into your pants, zip them up and make sure you aren't spilling out. A properly fitting shirt never hurt anyone, either.
Men:
If you look like a hillbilly, you are not very likely to find a hot woman who's life goal is to be at your beck and call. If you're the hottest man on earth, the only reason you'll be able to find one is because some magazine or agent has already picked you up and has flown you to Korea or Vietnam on your world tour and the chick you met there will do anything for a green card. Take off the camo, leave your chew at home, shave, buy yourself a decent pair of jeans and a nice collared shirt and learn to speak like you graduated the 6th grade. If that doesn't sound like you, ditch the stupid hat, shave, pull your pants up and buy yourself a properly fitting belt. They work wonders for keeping your nether regions covered when worn correctly. Trust me, no one wants to see your crack or your sack. Didn't your momma teach you crack kills?
All Genders:
If you are ugly, don't hold your potential spouse to a higher standard than you hold yourself to/appear to be. Learn to shave, buy some deodorant, join a gym, do whatever it takes to help yourself aside from plastic surgery but don't expect Megan Fox/Brad Pitt to be begging for your affection if you look like the Ugly Fairy kicked your face in and then came back for seconds. Be smart. Love comes in all shapes, sizes and covers. You should know... Just sayin'
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